20th – 22nd Feb Hanoi

Back in Hanoi I heat up in the hotel before going out to an Irish bar to meet up with some of the guys from the boat and have a charming night talking rubbish - what I’m best at.
The rest of my time in Hanoi was spent wandering the streets looking at the old buildings and finding some lovely places. The oldest temple in Hanoi is charming, really small and unfussy – much nicer than the big golden temples. On a side street the Merchants House is a re-enactment of how people once lived here with amazing wood and mother of pearl inlay furniture, lots of fountains and greenery everywhere. The seating didn’t look to comfortable though. At last I’ve found the restaurant area – there are lots of little places to eat here – must come back for dinner.

The exterior of the History Museum is a strange mix of French and Asian architecture the interior has fantastic exhibits of early history of Vietnam. The pottery, brass drums and carvings are amazing, Vietnam must have looked incredible once. My favourite museum was the Vietnamese Revolutionary Museum housed in a magnificent French chateaux, the irony not lost on me. The museum was filled with information and memorabilia from the fight for freedom with the French and the Americans. There was a copy of the Morning Star from the morning of American withdrawal in 1975, marches were held all over the UK with a picture of Tony Benn smiling. The exhibit caption said papers from all over the world – don’t remember the Morning star being particularly well sold.

I watched a Puppet Show which was surprisingly good and very funny, with traditional Vietnamese stories. The puppets are really well made and the stage a giant watery pool which hides the poles the puppets are moved around on, a nice way to spend an hour.

Thirsty I found a trendy bar and had a beer. The heating was supplied by small terracotta pots filled with burning charcoal – one of the barmen saw my frozen state and moved one of them to my feet – joy, freezing cold beer and really warm fire.

I ate in the Tamarind Café which was lovely and inviting with large enveloping sofas, you felt you could sit reading all day unfortunately the food wasn’t o great but you can’t have everything.

Tired I went back to the hotel to be taken to the train station for my overnight ride down south on the Re-unification Express. At one time North and South Vietnam were separate countries. The hotel had supposedly organised a taxi but on arrival I found they actually meant to take me and my luggage on a motorbike – I refused - much to their annoyance – although it was nothing compared to mine.

I made it to the station and found the train, my cabin and my bed for the night and settled down for the long journey.

19th- 20th Feb – Halong Bay

I’m escaping the cold and heading off to the coast where I’ve been told it’s warmer and the scenery is beautiful so I expect turquoise waters, lush green mountains and sunshine – just like the brochures. There are a dozen people on the tour mostly from Ireland so should be a bit of a laugh. The weather doesn’t get any better as we head towards the coast, my choice of clothing seems inappropriate – the bikinki certainly won’t see an outing.

The boat is lovely, a traditional wooden junk with a sail but I doubt it will see the light of day. My room is en-suite and is quite palatial but there is no heating, thankfully there are two big blankets on the bed which will make a nice dress!

Lunch was a riot with the veggies being marched to a separate table, couldn’t possibly sit with the meat eaters. The first dish was spring rolls, we were obviously given the veggie ones, only to be told vegetable with pork, jut a little bit of pork. Well that’s OK then. Next dish for the veggie table – fish, don’t think they quite understand the concept of vegetarianism. Next dish beef – for Gods sake. We are all so hungry waiting for something to eat we put the rice and peanuts into our sad little dishes, cover it in soy sauce and pretend to be eating a Vietnamese feast. After almost everybody has finished their food, we are given noodles with veg and no sign of meat – halleluiah.

The boat motored out into the bay, slowly, I could have swam faster – although I may have froze to death. I could imagine the area bathed in sunlight the sea turquoise, the pointy lime stone stacks gleaming with bright green vegetation. What I was actually seeing was grey sea, grey stacks and grey vegetation. We stopped at a cave which was huge but over touristy with many coloured lights highlighting the various stalactite and stalagmite shapes trying to get us to believe they are Buddist Gods – stretching the imagination a bit too far there.

A few incumbents of the boat, braved the water and took to kayaks – I stayed in the cold of the unheated boat wrapped in both my blankets.

Dinner was a laugh we were brought a dish of veg with what looked like prawns – we declined only to be told they were not prawns they were vegetables. I’ve never seen a white veg in the shape of a prawn down to the pink vein down the prawns back. After much arguing with the guide I shouted at him to take it away which he did. The meat eating table took the pseudo prawns and couldn’t decide what they were.

After dinner with a nice bottle of Vietnamese wine (yes they make it here) the guide came in with a plastic bag – the packaging from the prawns. The ingredients soya and flavourings – ok – I felt bad but why didn’t he bring the packaging an hour ago and stop all the arguments – not my fault!

The next day was spent motoring back to the docks and driving back to Hanoi – at least the hotel will have heating.

17-18th Feb Hanoi

Got up at an ungodly hour to go to the airport as my flight is at 8am and I’ve been told I have to be there at 6ish. When the taxi nears the airport it’s almost all in darkness with few people around. I enter, there are few people around and when I check the board my flight has been changed to 10am but by the unhappy faces on the people sitting around looks like nobody knew about this in advance. It’s 06:07am I have nearly 4 hours till my flight – aargh!

At 8am the desk opens and I can get rid of my bag, finally at 10:30 the plane takes off and Vietnam here I come.

Hanoi airport is 35km from the city but the hotel I’m staying at have arranged a taxi who is none too happy at the 2 ½ hour late flight. He grabs my bag and marches off to the car park. His driving is even more erratic than the rest of the mad traffic, he beeps and flashes lights at every car in front of him to pull over and let him past. I put on my seat belt and hang on. The motorway ends miles from the city and we wind our way through the outskirts of Hanoi. The housing is really strange, firstly much better quality than I expected but the real interesting bit is everything is really narrow and at least 4 storeys high, plus brightly painted, making for quite a kaleidoscope of shape and colour.

The hotel is fine and I’m starving so head straight out for lunch expecting to find hundreds of little cafes selling lovely Vietnamese food but am thwarted – can’t find anything.

Hanoi is an assault on the hearing it’s so busy and noisy, if I thought the taxi driver was mad he has nothing on the thousands of motorbike drivers careering around. It seems to me that there’s a mad choreographed dance with bike, car, truck and cyclo all weaving in and out of one another, my only problem is that I’ve not been given the dance steps and have to cross the road. The guide book basically tells you to put your life in the hands of the gods and just walk across the road, slowly, and all the traffic will weave around you. Well that’s the theory and I have to try, I step out thinking I’m sure to die and somehow reach the other side and although my nerves are shot I am alive.

On the 18th I do a days site seeing. The walk along to the Presidential Palace is lovely through wide tree lined avenues. I was a nice walk in the cool breeze, Northern Vietnam is surprisingly cool, even cold I’m not sure I like this I’ve gotten used to heat. The actual Palace is a French masterpiece great place for a communist government. Further on is the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum a massive grey granite building. Unfortunately it’s closed today so I can’t go and see Uncle Ho’s mummified body – what a shame. It does seem a bit strange to me to go and see any mummified body but to go and see ‘The Beloveds’ body who did put in his will that he wanted to be cremated is a bit insensitive. Everybody says it looks like a wax work dummy so maybe I’m missing nothing.

The Temple of Literature was founded by Confucius a couple of thousand years ago as a university. Education was extremely important to Confucius and the state, an some of his teaching which were beautifully written on the walls regarding personal responsibility and the state seemed surprisingly similar to Marxism. The buildings have been extensively restored due to extensive destruction from American bombs. The old buildings are beautiful pagoda like structures with charming sloping roofs and serene pools filled with pink lotus flowers.

The small lake in the middle of Hanoi is a pleasant retreat where old men play majong and people stroll through the park. At one end there’s a enchanting Chinese bridge crossing to a small Temple filled with images of Budda and old men getting agitated over their next move in majong – I’ve no idea what’s going on in the game but it’s fab watching them banging their pieces on the board and psyching one another out.

I was hoping to find some really good Vietnamese food but after two days I’ve found nothing and am pretty unhappy – I know there must be lots of great places around but I just can’t find them – boo hoo – If I wasn’t such a greedy cow I’d almost starve.

12 – 17th Feb – Vientiane

I left the comfort of my room after a delightful nights sleep and ate a non-egg breakfast in a wee café across the road. My mission for the day was to get my bearings and to find a bank to get some money. Sounds simple enough but nothing ever is. It’s Saturday and the banks are closed and the exchange I found doesn’t take Visa but they did tell me of a place which did, so off I went in search of the bank. I got a Tuktuk and parted with the few Kip I had only to arrive at the bank and it be closed. I walked back to the hotel in the afternoon heat none to happy. I found my last few US Dollars and exchanged them for enough to get me dinner and something to eat the next day.

Dejected and depressed I ate Thai yellow curry and retired to my only solace my lovely room and some TV (with a beer obviously – there’s always money for beer).

Next day, feeling better, I forced myself out of the comfort of my room to see some of the nearby sites. The old black Stuppa was beside the US Embassy with flags flying, still no apology for bombing the hell out of the place but did have a sign at the door for prospective Visa applicants saying ‘Visa wouldn’t be granted to cheats and liars’ nice to set out your position early on so no one can be under any illusions about getting into the mighty US.

I visit the National History Museum and its pretty good, with lots of explanations in English; however it doesn’t go into too much detail about the Vietnam War and the bombing by the Americans – strange.

I wander down to the river where the majority of touristy bars, cafes and guesthouses are. In a large open air hall an aerobics class is in full swing with mostly locals dancing. It was hardly full on aerobics more like jumping up and down on the spot, which draws quite a crowd – can’t be much to do in the way of entertainment around here.

Next day I avoid the rip of merchant of a tuktuk driver encamped outside my hotel and walk to today’s sites. Patuxai, Laos’s L’Arc de Triomphe (well they were ruled by France before the Americans bombed the hell out of them) is situated in the middle of a main road in a small park. You can walk up to the top which is just a tourist trap, as inside there are lots of stalls selling local tat – refrained from buying anything for once.

From the top you can see out over the capital city. It’s very low lying, no sky scrappers or high rises in view and greenery everywhere – it’s difficult to imagine your in a large city, Vientiane has a really nice feeling about it, slowed down South East Asia, nobody frantically careering around. The PDR in Laos PDR doesn’t stand for Peoples Democratic Republic it actually stands for Please Don’t Rush.

Keeping in with the local ethos I saunter, nay meander up to the huge Golden Stuppa. It’s now really hot and I’m knackered even with my slow pace, being in the middle of the country Vientiane doesn’t get the cooling breeze from either the mountains or the sea. The Golden Stuppa is Laos’s national symbol, on all the currency, and in keeping with it’s name is a large golden tower with a golden roofed wall all around. In the small hallway, created by the roofed wall, are thousands of six inch Budda’s, and in the corners massive seated Budda’s.

It was really calm and sedate and I sat for a long time chilling, taking in the goldenness trying not to think of the walk back. I capitulated and went by tuktuk the rushing air a blessing. I was taken to a very old Temple Wat Si Saket, one of the oldest in Vientiane. Some of the buildings had been renovated but the un-restored, dilapidated ones caught my eye and seemed much more interesting with their faded beauty and decaying sculptures. The entrance to one has old dragons, in need of a bit of TLC, which I approached, but wary it was still alive and breathing fire left them in peace.

A few cats wandered the grounds finding shade beside plant pots and elephant statues – they were really cute but I didn’t steal one. The Wat was really great because it’s more of a museum with lots of descriptions of the buildings and paintings – at last I know what’s going on.

I wander down the street past the government buildings which were obviously built by either the French or the Russians (under Laos’ communist phase) with large Chateaux’s and grey concrete blocks – you decide which was built by whom! I continue my walk and find a bar and have a cold beer, what joy, finally finishing at the hotel for a cool down.

Going out for dinner I had forgotten it’s Valentines day and all the restaurants are filled with hearts, flowers and pink – hell on earth. I wander looking for a love free haven. It’s really strange watching the locals with red roses in hand this is a pseudo Christian festival, taken over by mass marketing and commercialism yet is massive here in this Buddist, communist country – work that one out. While sitting eating, yet again Thai curry, I see a young beautiful local girl struggling to get on her motorbike with her Valentines Roses which she held so carefully – it is actually quite cute maybe I do have a romantic bone in my body though very well hidden.

Next day I get a local bus with people, boxes and chickens out to Budda Park. This is a modern park full of sculptures from a crazy guy. Well he must have been crazy to create some of these creations. At the entrance is a massive building in the shape of a giant pumpkin, inside has what can only be described as Dantes vision of hell which you peer at through holes in the wall. There are lots of other Buddas in the park from a 40 foot reclining giant to small beautifully carved ones. My favourite was the strange sculpture with a crocodile chomping on what looked likes a tourist!

My journey back home was eventful,l as a Buddist nun sat beside me and at times on top of me trying to avoid men who were getting on and off the bus – I know they aren’t allowed to touch men but this really took it to extremes as though an accidental brush with a blokes hand will send her hell wards for ever, maybe she’s right and all us women should take note, I did wonder what she would have thought if I had told her I was a tranny!

Last day taking PDR to it’s extreme was spent organising things before my move to Vietnam.

9th + 10th Feb – Phonsavan

Arriving at the bus station on the outskirts of town a tyre of the bus was being changed, reminiscent of South America. I tried not to look at the tread or think about it, at least it wasn’t being done at the side of the road after a blow out – positive thinking.
Strange bus layout with tiny seats enabling 3 on one side and 2 on the other. I found a 3 seater empty and scowled at anybody that came near – it worked and I had 3 seats, very small seats, to myself.
I settled down to read my book occasionally looking up to check out the Loas countryside. Laos is really poor the majority of the houses along the road are wooden or bamboo shacks with thatch roofs and small, very small. The countryside however is beautiful. The bus wound its way around the mountainside with steep drops – glad now they had changed the tyre.
On arrival in Phonsavan the countryside and housing changed dramatically. Gone was the rich lush jungle and forest, in its place dryer arid landscape. The housing was weird no shacks here instead massive mansions with 3 storeys and lots of large balconies.
Jamie an English bloke I met in Luang Prabang came with me to one of the guest houses which was under-decorated but decent.
I went for a wander around town which took all of two minutes this really is a dusty nothing town with very little on offer. I had dinner with Jamie in on of 3 restaurants – more noodles with vegetables – great!
Laos is the most bombed country in history, the US, even though they were not at war with Loas and until recently denied ever bombing the country, actually dropped more bombs on Laos, during the Vietnam war, than they dropped in the whole of WW1. Around town there are masses of bits of bombs made into tables, chairs, posts and just general touristy stuff. Unfortunately there are still thousands of unexploded bombs in the countryside which has caused lots of missing limbs and deaths. There is an office for the Mines Advisory Group in Phonsavan who are trying to clear the mines from the area which is some job. The Americans recently have given MAG the bomb paths from the war. They have put together a map with a red dot for each bomb dropped and basically the whole area is a thick block of red.

The next day we get on the tour to the Plains of Jar our only reason for being in this hick town. Not too much is really known about The Plains of Jar – but they think these massive funeral Jars were created between 500BC to 50-800AD but by whom and for what purpose they don’t really know. At the first site there are over 250 jars some up to 2 meters across to 2.5 meters high. They are totally not what I expect – like massive hollowed out boulders just lying around the plain – or a field. There are lids also lying around that have been carved to fit tight on the jars. Unfortunately the contents of the Jars is long gone but was thought to be the bones of the dead before cremation. The ancient Vietnamese of this and other areas interned the dead for a few years then dug them up and cremated them – wouldn’t like that job much. Few bones have been found in and around the sites consistent with the theory, however many of the Jars are smashed or over turned and their contents long ago looted so maybe nobody will ever know.
At site 1 we saw a few bomb craters some of the craters were marked ‘US Bomb crater 1960 – 1970’ we felt it really should have said ‘Welcome from Private Smith Idaho’.

The other two sites we visited were much the same and the guide was less than useless telling us to read Lonely Planet but he did take us to a fantastic waterfall where Mark an Ozzie fell in. I saw him fall over the edge and was terrified for 3 seconds until he popped his head back up – lost his shoe but fortunately didn’t lose his camera. It was really comical watching 3 other guys run to help him and rescue him from falling in again – we tried not to laugh – but failed.

That night back in town I had dinner with a bunch of other tourists from all round the globe, we had one conversation – The US – and the view was not too good well they did re-elect Bush.

The next day I had a long wait for my flight to Vientaine and found there really is nothing at all to do in Phonsavan. I went to the bank to pass some time but they wouldn’t exchange money from Visa so I only managed to change a few US dollars. In the bank at the counter where I got my money there were a couple of staff counting money by hand - thousands of money, which was just lying around the floor like monopoly money. Even better a child, I supposed of one of the staff was playing with a pile of it what a way to spend you youth.

Eventually it was time to go to the airport and get my flight which was a bit worrying as Laos Airlines has one of the worst safety records in the world – I tried not to think of this as I boarded the plane and certainly didn’t look at the tyres!

The flight all 30 minutes of it was fine and I disembarked at Vientaine in one piece. I didn’t have a hotel booked and thought there would be some hotel counter at the airport – wrong – I picked a hotel out of the Lonely Planet and took a taxi there. IIt couldn’t have worked out better as the hotel was lovely and the en-suite, air-consitioned room was lovely. It even had cable TV with a couple of English movie channels – heaven, pure heaven.

5th - 6th Feb - On the Mekong

On The Mekong is no euphemism for 'on the piss' if only. On the Mekong will forever mean awful terminal boredom for me. The day started well enough with free breakfast but soon descended into chaos. None of us had our passports and were being herded down to the river and passport control. The woman who took our passports was completely calm so I was likewise- ish.

Eventually we got the passport with Loas Visa and Thailand exit stamp on it - ok - it worked. We got a small boat to the other side of the river into Laos. More chaos. We went through passport control and got a bus to where the boats to go down the Mekong were. Our passports were taken off us again so a local policeman could see them. What - he wanted to laugh at our photos?

The boat I was assigned to by the policeman was crap. Low ceiling - so you had to bend, everybody hit their heads at least once and not enough leg room as the curve of the side of the small boat took it all. They squeezed us in not a free seat in site. I opened my book and tried to ignore the crap cramped conditions for the next 8 hours. Not easy. I didn't want to drink too much liquid cos I didn't want to brave the toilets.

I was so glad when we finally stopped for the night in Pakbeng a small town in Laos only to be even more pissed off with the living conditions. Pakbengs only function is as a tourists stop on the river and has lots of crap guest houses. It's a mad scramble at the river to get a place and I followed a few others to a pretty basic place but knew there wouldn't be much left in town now.

I had a private room with shared bathroom. One bathroom shared with the entire building of 20 rooms and it was horrid. I had dinner and went to bed glad for a nights sleep. Unfortunately it wasn't an undisturbed night’s sleep. I could hear the scratch of rats and at one point turned on my torch (which Mairi had lent me) only to see one of the horrid furry creatures running along the roof beams. It was rather hard to sleep after that, I had a mosquito net but no rat net and I hate rats.

I was glad to hear the chickens crowing and got up just to get out of the place.

Thankfully the boat I got on this morning was much better, higher ceiling so you didn't have to bend and leg room for all. There were even cushions on the seats. Luxury bloody luxury. In this luxury you can actually start to look at and think about your surroundings. I don't think I looked up from my book once, in my misery, yesterday. Today I saw children playing in the river, old men fishing on tiny boats and people working the fields. The hills in the back ground really impressive and the whole area shimmering in the sun.

The boat stopped to pick up some people and children ran to the boat looking for goodies. A few people came prepared and the children were delighted with plastic toys, crayons and sunglasses.

My lasting impression of the Mekong will be of one little boy trying on his new sun glasses - sweet.

Today’s boat journey was another 8 hours and eventually got tedious. At least everybody was alot happier and chatted along the way. The guy in front of me, from Liverpool, told me I was doing the best thing with my redundancy money, he told me he had been made redundant a few years ago and put all his money into paying his house off. He then split from his wife and she's got the house - ouch!.

Finally we arrived in our destination Luang Prabang. Again there was a mad scramble for guest houses - a guy in a familiar green and white stripped Celtic top offered me and one of the Swedish couples rooms - I could hardly say no - so got in his tuktuk to a small traditional wooden building in town. It was pretty nice and we all decided to stay.

Sanna, Jurgen and I went out for dinner and a few drinks. Luang Prabang is a nice town with a fantastic mix of French and Laos architecture and a million times better than the hovel I stayed in last night. I think I may like this.

4th Feb - Starting Over

We've been so busy the last three days we haven't thought about today, going our seperate ways. During breakfast we discuss who'll be on my trip and hope it's the tall goodlooking guy from the lift - no chance.

Funny after 7 months neither Mairi or I have much to say, I think I would have had a tear in my eye if we did and I didn't want to look like a big woose infront of the tour group. We hugged and said a quick goodbye and I was off. It's been a really good seven months and I have to thank Mairi for coming up with the idea, letting me come with her and putting up with me for so long - she deserves a medal - Mairis away back to Bangkok and I'm off on a new adventure.

On the bus there are a couple of Swedish couples, an Argentinian girl and a few English people. The bus trip is 5 hours long and we arrive in Chiang Khong a large town on the Mekong river in the late afternoon.

I go out to find dinner and an internet only to find the 2 Swedish couples filling in forms. I join them filling in a form for a Laos visa - I hand over my passport, the form and a pile of money to some woman thinking everything here is done so much on trust.

Dinner is free and across the roas a bar is playing a film so I join the sweedish couples for the make sift cinema and a few beers.

First day alone - fine and not alone much at all.

3rd - 5th Feb - Treking into the Jungle

Our last adventure together is going to be a trek into the Jungle, staying with the hill tribes and observing their traditional way of life.

We are driven to a village in the hills, north of Chiang Mai and have lunch in one of the Hill Tribe Villages. Not exactly what I expected they have electricity and TV - OK not exactly all mod cons but not bad. This village is less traditional than the rest - it's on the road and has links to the city. At lunch Reang told the non veggies they were eating Monkey not chicken - Mairi nearly died until she realised that he was joking.

We start our trek from there, up hill of course but it's not too bad and even though it's hot the shade of the tree canopy keep you from really boiling. The guide must really know where he's going (I hope) cos it all looks exactly the same to me - jungle everywhere and hills, lots of hills.

There are 5 of us on the trek - an English couple Laura and Andy, Will an American and Mairi and I. Oh and the guide Reang. Our first stop is by a lovely waterfall where we sit and relax, the view down the valley, following the path of the river and waterfall is beautiful lush green jungle.

We camp the first night by the sides of a larger waterfall which also doubles as our swimming pool and shower - if your brave enough to get into the freezing water. We're all so hot and sweaty it looks great until the cold hits you and you retreat to the banks to look at the cascading water.

The camp has a few wood and bamboo buildings. Our sleeping quarters is large with a bamboo platform down either side on which we sleep. There are sleeping bags and blankets but no mosquito nets which worries both of us. There is a small open building for cooking and sitting around the fire and a smaller hut that is the bathroom. Bathroom being a term for the shack with a squat toilet in the middle of it. Theres a big drum of water beside it to flush the toilet - this will be fun in the dark.

Reang and another man cook fish, rice and veggies for our dinner and it's not that bad - I'm hungry and eat it anyway. Reang also cooks rice in a piece of bamboo - no need for pots and pans in the jungle. The resultant sticky rice was really good. To wash down the food somebody has carried beers all the way up here to sell us - entrauprenures or what.

Sitting round the fire chatting the sun sets and darkness descends which is total. The stars are amazing sparkling in the black sky. We can only name Orions belt - no amature astrologers amonst us.

Going to bed Mairi notices that something has been in her bag and asumes a dog. We sleep frozen - it's really cold up here in the jungle - no wonder they have no mosquito nets, no mosquito would venture up here way too cold.

We are awoken by the dawn and chickens so get up. Laura braves the waterfall shower - I washed enough last night thanks and anyway who's around to smell me if I stink. On closer inspection of Mairis smarties we realise it was not a dog that chewed the packet (and left the smarties) it was a rat - yuk we must have slept with it!

The next day we walk through the forrest emerging on the most beautiful scene of rice fields and grey water buffalos. Their horns are pretty scary and none of us are too happy with Reang who seems to take great pleasure in shouting at them. A few look unhappy and we're all worried they will attack. Thankfully they don't and we run away.

We lunch sitting in a shack in the middle of the rice field with a couple of local women who have taken a rest from working the fields. Our lunch is noodles with veggies wrapped in banana leaves (which Reang cut down himself) our chop sticks are two thin branches of bamboo. This stuff is very versatile - they use it for houses, furniture, bridges, fishing poles, chops stick and cooking implements - wow.
We also have more of the bamboo sticky rice perfectly preserved from last night, in the bamboo.

After lunch Reang and Andy go in search of food - dung bettles - again I think this is a joke but after digging up a few dozen we are on or way, dung beetles carefully packed away in an old plastic bottle.

On the trek we see many more trees - we are in the jungle!, lots of ants, spiders and termite hills. There are few flowers breaking up the green and no signs of any monkeys apart from Reangs impressions and yesterdays lunch!

We reach Bang Ma Po, the village we'll be sleeping in, one of the Kariang hill tribe villages, who live off farming, livestock and sometimes opium. We wander the village checking out all the wildlife on display. Pigs, chickens, dogs cats and buffalo all wander around undisturbed by humans.

I need a wash and luckily we've been told there is a shower - well there is a stand pipe in the middle of the village. I brave it cos theres nothing else. Wearing my bikinki I wash standing in the middle of a village with jungle all around me, to an audience of a big black hairy pig. As I wash my hair I have a timotti moment as I throw my wet hair back - well I would have had if I was slim, young and beautiful.

At another standpipe a local woman is washing in a long skirt and nothing else - why didn't I think of that!

The men of the village arrive before dinner - thankfully their bags empty, the hunt unsuccesful. I ask what they were hunting - monkey the reply - and this time it was no joke. Dinner was rice, veggies and chicken - thankfully.

Sitting chatting after dinner we bought a bottle of local moonshine - it was pretty bad but not that strong. Most of it was given to one local man to sing to us. He was playing what looked like a small harp but had a very eastern sound. He sang a few local songs which were pretty good and one very strange modern song which had bits of Bob Marley in it.

Breakfast the next day - eggs, bread and dung beetle. Will and Andy actually tried them and said they tasted salty - I'm a veggie - or at least that's my story. Reang asked me where I was going after the trek and suggested I stay in Thailand and teach - Mairi rekons he has a bit of a crush on me - and has great fun laughing at my new boyfriend all day.

Our last day treking was mostly down hill which is a killer on the knees. But we then had a really nice boat ride down the river on a bamboo raft (yet another usage). The raft got totally stuck at one stage so we had to get off and we ended up soaking. After the raft we took a ride on a elephant. They are such fantastic looking creatures but boy do they smell. They aren't that comfy to sit on and when they blow snot at you it's not nice. An experience at least.

26th Jan - 2nd Feb - Chiang Mai

We went back to Bangkok for 1 day to get green curry and my passport with an Indian Visa in it. We also need to rearrange some of the flights - I'm now going to India after Japan so Mairi can come to Japan and then go home at least that was the plan.

Mairi and I went to see Quantas to rearrange the flights and Mairi decided to call it a day and changed her flight to go back to Scotland now instead of after Japan. We are still going to Chiang Mai together but then I depart to pastures new and Mairi goes home to cold, damp, windy Scotland. Before anybody asks there were/are no fall outs and both of us are really happy - sounds phoney but fact is always more strange than fiction. I'm not changing the Website name to flora-nomates.blogspot - so you don't need to change your favourites - I know it's in there.

We fly to Chiang Mai the bus or train takes ages and aren't that much cheaper - Air Asia is magic. Chiang Mai is the main city in the North but small in comparison to Bangkok and really nice. There are more temples than people and loads of orange robbed Buddist Monks wandering around. We do as many temples as we can take - they start to get like the Churches in South America - all the same. At one however, there is some sort of meeting going on. We feel rather intrusive watching from the back so leave not wanting to offend anybody with our female presence - I know loads of you who wish I'd done that before.

On our first day we have a Thai massage - together in the same room - I was sure somebody else would join us in being twisted, pummeled and stretched into the strangest positions. It wasn't relaxing at the time but you did feel really sleepy and nice afterwards - but I'm sure I will have brusies and in the strangest of places. When she was pulling my legs with her arms while pushing my buttox with her feet - I had to laugh - not just of her doing this to me, but also of the thought that Mairi in the bed beside me was getting the exactly same treatment.

One of our days was spent at a Thai cooking course - I knew there was a reason for me travelling for 7 months and this was it. The food - the stuff we actually prepared on the day was sooooooo good. Green Curry, Pad Thai and Spring Rolls the highlight of 6 dishes. I could live on these three dishes alone.

The markets in Chiang Mai are really good - filled with beautiful stuff at fantastic prices - unfortunately I can't buy anything but as Mairi is going home I think she may splurge - I just hope the plane is big enough.

21st - 26th Jan - Ko Samet

We ventured out of the heat of Bangkok to the heat of Ko Samet, at least here we have beaches and the sea breeze. The boat across was pretty chaotic, no ramps or safety it's a wonder nobody fell in with their luggage.

The island looked really nice, clear blue water and white sandy beaches. There are no taxis or public transport on the island but locals, in pick up trucks, will take you to where every you want, at a price. Our hotel was a mile from the dock and main town, so we were in a quiet spot.

Although there was a beach it was too small to really lie on it so we sat by the pool most of the time, developing our tans - all this travelling isn't just fun it's hard work too and we need a rest!

The main town was busy and we're glad we're staying away from it in a quiet spot. At night however it looked really cute with mats, tables, Thai triangular pillows for chairs and candles, on the beach, infront of the resturants. Looked real cute didn't look real comfortable - we stayed in nice easy chairs for dinner. Most people were using two cushions to give them support and constantly changing their positions.

Talking to some people there's really none of the unspoilt Thailand beaches left - pity cos some of it must one have been beautiful.

It was actually really nice to get away from it all, have a holiday do nothing for a few days - ha ha ha.

13th - 21st Jan - Bangkok

We booked into a hotel in China Town The New Empire, which although a little run down has the best restaurant selling fantastic Pad Thai and Green Curry - I'm in heaven.

We did all the Palaces and Temples but it actually wasn't that easy. Every time we went to the Grand Palace something happened and we didn't get in. Didn't have the right shoes and weren't about to wear the ones they offered - can you imagine who's feet were in them before.

Then a Palace worker told us the place was closed cos the Singapore President was in town and organised a Tuk Tuk to take us to another open Temple. The police turned up and told us not to get into the Tuk Tuk - that they are all Thieves - nice way to talk about your own countrymen.

Didn't take the Tuk Tuk and turns out the wee guy at the Palace was in the scam, as the Temples at the Palace were actually open - we went inside that afternoon, after going to another Temple and being told by another Tuk Tuk driver that it was closed - they're all at it.

The road leading from the Golden Mount is filled with carpenter shops selling fantastically carved hard wood, with dragons and elephants. I noticed one hardwood, carved door and realised there was western writing on it rather than the beautiful Thai script. I looked closer and spelt out Man then Manchester then realised it said Manchester United with the full Club Badge. Beside it was an Arsenal one. I know they're mad about football over here but would somebody really buy that or is it for the export market only. Could you imagine how much you could annoy one of your neighbours with a Celtic one - I'm sure they'd do it and ship it over - not tacky at all.

The Palace and the Temples were amazing but the National Museum was better. Lots of info on the Country and an exhibition on ancient Chineese maps which are only just being allowed out of China - they mapped the world long before Columbus found America or Cook Australia - amazing.

We took a boat trip down the river and onto the canals where traditional old wooden building, on stilts, nestle beside concrete blocks. Some of them are really beautiful and ornate, a very different side to Bangkok. The local passenger river boats are really fast and really cheap - less than 10p to get up river, which would cost 2 quid in a taxi.

We needed to get Visas for Vietnam and left the hotel to go to the Embassy. On our way up the road a wee man helped us cross one of the mad, busy roads and asked where were we going. I told him and immediately he said 'no, come with me, go to my office' - a bit dubious we went. He took us to a proper Toutism Agency of Thailand (TAT) office and they could organise all sorts of thing. We agreed and got them to do our Vietnam Visa and my India Visa (Mairi has decided to go home after Sout East Asia - well the weather will be a bit better then).

We were a bit worried the day we had to get the Visa back - what if they didn't have them what if it was a scam. Luckily it wasn't and we were fine - thank God. The tourist guy was able to organise trips to a one of the Islands (in the Gulf of Thailand - a few hrs from Bangkok) and to Chiang Mai - so all sorted easily.

One day we ventured up to Banglamphu the backpackers / travellers area. It was crap - totally over crowded with people in British style pubs eating western food - whats the point of visiting another country if you want it to be a replica Britain. We even found Boot the Chemist on the main street. I much prefer Chinatown at least it's real. The market stalls out in the street are selling stuff to the locals not cheap crap for tourists. Half the backpackers were wearing fishermans trousers - supposidly what the locals wear, I've yet to find a local not in Levis and Rebok.

The market stalls around Chinatown are fantasic you can play 'name that' thing - cos sometimes we're not sure if it was animal vegetable or mineral. There was one stall selling everything fishy god only knows what some of the stuff was - totally engrossing.

Mairi took a tour to the Bridge on the River Kwai and the Death Railway (I did this a few years ago and saved the cash) she really enjoyed it. She was in a minibus with two English couples - and one of the women took being blond to new heights. When Mairi told then she was Scottish the woman looked puzzled. Then later asked Mairi again 'where are you from' - again Mairi replied Scotland. This time a light flickered across her face and she said - 'oh Scotland, our Scotland, Scoltand in England'. Mairi said 'no Scotland is not in England'. This really confused her and she looked at her husband. He looked a little embaressed and told her 'Scotland's not in England, Wales is not in England and Irelands not in England'. What hope is there for the world with people like that having a vote!

Patpong - the most bizarre place in Bangkok. Beside all the massive shopping centres are all the sleezy strip joints. You'd think Mairi and I, two girls, would be ignored. Not so, many a tout thrust very bad line drawings, of people in impossible positions, into our hands and asked us to come watch. My favourite had to be the wee guy who said - Miss come see cute boys dance - I declined thinking of fighting my way past hundreds of gay guys - handbags at dawn - they can be viscious you know.

At one of the many temples we visited we went to see a fortune teller - just for a laugh - he was a wisened old man with funny eyes who did our astrological charts and read our palms.

I was told I'm getting married by the time I'm 39 (so doesn't give me much time - which means I need all you to start looking for me), he'll be from Scotland, tall, good looking, a bit older than me (like that's going to happen) very intelligent, and a good business man - Oh I'm having two children 1 boy, 1 girl and I'll live til I'm 88. The only part of the message I didn't believe was that I was very strong and a good worker and could have two jobs - I don't wont one job thankyou very much.

Mairi is also getting married - but not to the guy shes been seeing - he's not the one for her. She's marrying a non Scot, she's having 3 children and looks like he's going to be rich cos she won't need to work much. The guy also told her she has good intuition and should come back to Thailand and he'll teach her how to be a fortune teller.

I suppose he could hardly tell me the truth, I'll end up incontinent in an old folks home, lonely, bittter and twisted - sounds a bit like now expect for the lonely!

9th - 13th Kuala Lumpar and Meeting Graham

What a stroke of luck or divine intervention - the hotel is really swanky and the room massive - we've hit the jackpot here cos it's not too expensive either. We set off early on our first day to do the sites. Unfortunately the tickets to the Patronas tower were sold out so we went instead to the KL Comms tower which is really high and has fantastic views out over the countryside and the Patronas Towers. KL is nestled in the valleys of a few mountains covered in luch green forrest - it's really nice and not what I expected.

We went shopping - Malaysias favourite passtime and picked up a few bargains - 3 tee shirts for 5 quid etc. I was amazed to see Debenhams and ventured in and quickly out again - the prices were much the same as Britain. I even went into Prada but at 200 quid for a pair of shoes I didn't stay long or buy anything - can get the fakes at the market anyway.

On Tuesday we finally made it up the Petronas towers and walked across the walkway between the two towers, 40 floors up. They give you a nice video about their making which impressed the engineer Mairi.

We booked a tour to take us to the Batu Caves and stood outside the posh Mandarin Oriental hotel waiting for the tour guide to turn up or be thrown out - it was that posh. Just when I had given up all hope of the tour turning up I noticed a bedraggled grey haired man. Looked like my mate Graham - I was ment to meet him in Oz but never managed - didn't know he was here. I followed him like some bad detective then when I thought I would not catch up with the light footed devil I hollered at him. He was as shocked to see me as I him. As the tour had not turned up we went back into his hotel - the really posh one - and had a few beers.

What a cooincidence - ain't life a funny old thing. We chatted about our holidays and swapped stories and had a bit of a laugh. Unfortunately it had to be cut short as Graham was getting the plane back to Scotland that night. Grahams hotel did a really nice deal for about 40 quid extra you could join the hotel club where you got free cocktails at sunset and tea and cakes in the after noon. Are they mad do they allow Scottish people in! I think Graham and his wife were making lots of use of the extras.

We tried a few times to get some Malay cooking but they don't really do Veggie and we resorted to Thai, Chineese and Western. I suppose we would have found something if we had looked long enough. On an up point I did manage to find more Rotis so things weren't that bad.

KL was really nice - really easy to get around and really friendly people. I wish we could have spent more time in Malaysia on the coast but the Tsunami has put paid to that so we're off the Thailand and green curry - yeeha

5th - 8th Jan - Singapore

The 8 hr journey to Singapore was OK since we had wee tellies to watch whatever we wanted. We got to the hostel late and went to bed. The place is in Chinatown and next day we went for a wander. It's a really nice area completely different from the corporate Orchard Road. Down side streets we found a few remaining old traditional colonial houses, which have somehow managed to remain standing as everything is rebuilt in concrete and glass.

We walked past Clarke Quay and Boat Quay with all the restaurants and bars and made our way up the Twin towers to the Cabel Car, which gives you fantastic views over the tiny island.

We ate in Chinatown, checking out stalls selling big nobbly veggies and wondering what they are - the food was fine and I was even able to find something veggie.

On the 7th we went to the Zoo to have breakfast with the Urungatans. The Urungatans are fab but it's the breakfast which steels the show for me - the Rotis with Veggie curry are amazing and I eat till I could eat no longer.

I've never been a fan of Zoos - don't really belive animals should be caged, although I do get the conservation that they do. Saying that, Singapore Zoos is one of the best I've been to, the moats and ditches make it look like there are no fences and the animals all have lots of space designed to look like their natural habitat and not a concrete cage.

We went to the Orchid Gardens which house thousands of varieties of Orchids in all colours and shapes they are quite fantastic.

As if this wasn't enought to do in a day we attended a tropical fruit tasting - bit apprehensive about finally coming face to face with the mad stuff we saw in the market. We started orndinarily enough with a starfruit then a small red banana - which was juicier than our yellow ones. Then came the fun stuff - fruit we'd neither seen nor heard of.
The Ciku looked a bit like a hairless kiwi fruit and had the texture of a pear but was really sweet and nice.
The Soursop was pineapply in texture but gluey and a bit strange but not horrid.
The Mangosteen is a small, hard, round, purple fruit with a raised flower motif at one side. Inside the thick coat there are small white segments which are sweet and really tasty, a bit like a lychee.
The last and scary fruit was the smelly Chempedak, a cousin of the Durian (which is banned on the subway and in hotels cos it smells so bad).The girl had it wrapped in a few bags and when she released it, it was smelly, really smelly like bad parmasen or sick. Neither of us were looking forward to the taste but perceivered - didn't want to look like wimps. We were wimps it tasted no better than it smelt and we spat it out. The girl eat a few bits saying it was really good - it's amazing what you eat when you grow up with it.

We ended the evening with a visit to Raffles which was pretty awful - total tourist trap. Dinner in a Tapas bar at Clarke Quay was good but the club we went to was terrible. The girl at the door told us it was about 3 pounds to get in but girls get free drink - we kept asking what's the catch - she kept saying none. We went in, we did get free drinks, the catch was that the place was empty and crap.

On our last day before the Train to Kuala Lumpar we headed up Orchard Road to do some last minute shopping - Mairi was very pleased to see Marks and Spensers - are they taking over the world.

The train was 7 hours and pretty boring although you got massive chairs and leg room in first class.

2nd - 5th Jan - Last Days in Oz

Our last days in Oz were spent shopping, packing and organising the next stage of our journey and going out, eating drinking and having a good time with Michael and his friends.

Sunday afternoon we went to Nelsons Pub, off Brunswick, to meet Jodie and have massive dinners which only Michale finished. We went to the Labor in Vain pub on Brunswick to meet some other friends which was a real cooincidence for Mairi as she had been in here a few years ago with her sister. A band was playing who were pretty good - Melbourne has a really large band scene. On the door to the corridor where the toilets were, was a sign - please keep door shut otherwise the Prick of a Neighbour will complain - I love Ozzie honesty.

We ventured to Williamstown for lunch and took the boat back across the bay - it's a lovely little seaside town, strangly still in Melbourne - cute. We went to Barbs for dinner and drinks and she introduced us to the Bloody Mary which has always scared me but since she had gone to all that trouble I had to try the vodka soaked drink, and the way Barbs makes them they are very vodka soaked. Not wanting to insult - we both managed to drink a fair portion.

Leaving Michale was really hard and I had a tear in my eye as he waved us off - don't know when I'll see him again but have to thank him lots for putting up with three mad women for a long time.

31st Dec and 1st Jan - Hogmany and New Year

A friend of Michaels was DJing at a pub on Brunswick street so we had a lazy day in anticipation of the big event. We opened one of the bottles of bubbly - the mad red stuff - which is OK before going out to the pub.

Like hogmany in Scotland the pub was full. A band were laying - the Counterfeit Gypsies who played fast Eastern European music which had the crown going and was really good. They stopped for a few mintutes and counted down to the bells - so felt at home.

Craig's DJing was really good. I alway imagine DJs only play rave crap - but he played a mixture of music from the 50s to today and mixed in some interedting stuff. I have to admit Michael had to explain the mixes as my untrained ear knows nothing.

We all had a really good time dancing the night away and didn't get home until 4ish. The next day our hangovers all knew about the good time had by all the night before and nobody coule move. Unfortunately Pauline had to as she was leaving for old blighty.

We must have seemed pretty uninterested with her leaving but it wa only the hangover stopping any real emotion coming out - anyway I'll see her pretty soon.

The 3 remaining, Michael, Mairi and I had a traditional Scottish dinner of stew and pastry which I made and was so great - even if I do say so myself - Mairi and Michael were very thankful - they could not stand up for long enough to make food.

30th Dec - Winery Tour

In the interest of being fair we are going on a wine tour just like we did else where - that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Our first winery of the day was Domaine Chandon, owned by the French Moet Chandon and produce their own Ozzie sparkly stuff. It was a lovely building in fantastic rural setting and we we treated to a full glass of bubbly of our choice for breakfast - what a way to start the day. They produce 3 bubblies - a dry white which Michael and I had and was lovely, a sweeter white which Pauline had which was also very nice (we all swapped) and Mairi, daredevil she is, had the new red bubbly. I was a bit suspicious of this new fangled concoction but Mairi really liked it.

We then went to the Rochford Winery and sampled 3 wines. We were taken through the steps to wine tasting including the slurp which is wonderfully funny watching a room full of people slupring - however didn't see much spitting, thankfully. We also had lunch, with a glass of wine of our choice, at this winery which was surprisingly really good food.

We staggered to our 3rd winery, St Huberts, where we sat out in the garden sampling 3 pretty nice wines. Finally we went to Yearing Station which has a fantastic new restaurant in the gardens. We sampled 3 wines and 1 Port. The Port stole the show and we all bought a bottle. Infact we all came away with a few bottles and a vastly greater knowledge and appreaciation of wine - and not at all drunk - honest.

We met Jemma and Pauline, Michaels friends, for dinner in a Vietnamese restaurant near Michales which was really good, wolfing down all the food on the table. We headed home and had a wee port before bed - very civilised.

28th - 29th Dec - Back in Melbourne - Reunion

Michael had not changed the lock, moved or pretended he wasn't in and let us disrupt his life again. We stayed in exhanging Christmas stories and having a few sherries to keep the party mood going.

Mairi was arriving at 8pm from New Zealand - wierd being away for a month - we were all excited about her arrival and not just cos she was bringing champaigne!

Pauline was a bit worried that Mairi would be browner than her - but Pauline was browner than me when she arrived never mind when she left - she's a crazy sunbathing woman.

Mairi arrived knackered so we didn't drag her out or make her do anything too strenuous - after all we've a big day tomorrow.

25th - 28th Christmas and a Rainy Boxer

Finally the sun was out and we made the most of it by going to the beach and sunbathing. The beach is beautiful and untouched - no bars restaurants or hotels line the front. Only a pity it's jellyfish season so no swiming. I went back to the hostel to cool down with a swim and organise our Christmas Barbie. Port Douglas is pretty quiet and the few tourists, including us, are all wondering what to do - we've heard of an orphans party but nobody seems to know where it is. Finally one of the people at our hostel finds some public BBQs so we all organise to go there.

By the time we finally stop sunbathing it's pretty late and the sun is setting. We head off to the BBQ spot only to see the few people there leaving. We still carry on on our own, I had prepared veggie kababs, corn on the cob, potatos salad and green salad washed down with plenty of drink. Even though it was only the two of us, no party hats or crackers it was a good dinner and a laugh trying to work out how these BBQ worked.

We headed into town after and went to the only bar open - it's Christmas after all! I ended up dancing with two old local women - well it's Christmas after all so you're supposed to get drunk and be silly.

Boxing day started well, no rain so we sat by the pool nursing out hangovers. Toby and Marian dropped by to see what we were up to and invited us over for drinks. Pauline and I went to their accomodation which was really fantastic. The Port Sea is a building of small apartments, independantly owned, managed by a company - and they are really fab. Pauline and I felt a bit strange however, visiting a couple on there honeymoon, we nearly went back a number of times. However they seemed genuinely happy to see us. The rain had really started in earnest, one of thoes tropical rainfalls where the rain is bouncing 2 feet off the ground.

Toby is a wine maker - works in a small winery in Victoria - so we were happy to drink his choices - which were all really good. Once the wine was finished we started ont he Vodka we brought. Unfortunately the mixers soon ran out and we ended up making a cocktail with whatever was available - fresh fruit (pineapple, mango, passionfruit) and some mango juice.

We decided to give our cocktail a name and Maz came up witht he Rainy Boxer - could give you the recipy but I'd have to kill you and I can't remember!

The rest of our days in Port Douglas were spent quietly at the poolside sunbathing - it's a nice town but really quiet at this time of year - I wish somebody had told us that.

23rd - 24th Dec - Great Barrier Reef - Diving

We're so glad to be leaving Cairns - Port Douglas and the Great Barrier Reef awating we have a spring in our step. Somebody from the hostel in Port Douglas actually came to Cairns to pick us up for free - now thats what I call a service. The hostel is really nice - large rooms and a pool, only draw back we're 10 min walk from town. The town is very small, the main street has a number of bars and restaurants on it which are really nice - anything compared to Cairns is really nice, and after all Bill Clinton and Kiefer Sutherland have been known to holiday here.

Christmas eve we climb on a boat with 30 others to go diving off the reef. It's a couple of hours to the reef and the water's a bit choppy. Soon most are out the back of the boat hoping the fresh air and concentrating on the horizon will stop them from being sick. I sat up front away from the sickies - can't stand seeing people being sick - makes me feel sick.

Finally at the reef an we are all given times for our dives - the guides take you out in 4s. Pauline and I have a slot in 45 mins so go snorkling first. This is probably a really good idea cos Pauline has not only never dived but also never snorkled before. I jumped in, keen to see what the reef held followed a bit more tentatively by Pauline. She put her head in the water for at least a millisecond before exclaiming she can't do it. I left her and the instructor alone, and soon enough she was snorkling like a pro.

The weather wasn't that great - surprise surprise raining - which makes everything a bit duller and murky. However we were able to see some fantastic coral formations in amazing colours - the fish were pretty although nothing I hadn't seen before.

We went back to the boat to put on our dive gear and Pauline had worked herself up - she was going to give it a try.

Only the two of us were going this time which was great as Pauline told the instructor she was dead scared and wanted to hold his hand in a non sexual way ofcourse.

I jumped in followed by Pauline attached to the instructor for dear life. We decended to the bottom watching the fishes go by. I saw a giant wrasse which has to be 4 feet long and pretty ugly beast. I was having trouble sinking - I didn't have enough weights on so had to use all my strength to dive down to see the colourful life going on below. The fishlife was probably better in the Galapagos but the coral here is amazing. All sorts of colours and shapes - totally mindblowing. I bought a wee, under water, throw away camera and snapped all my photos in seconds.

Pauline declined the second dive and went snorkling, the guide picked up a sea cucumber and they all touched it - they are gross.

I went on the second dive and it was a much better site than the first. We saw a massive bright blue sea urchin - must have been over two foot across, and the hightlight - which even got the instructors excited was a lion fish. These are strange brown fish with mad tenticles and fronds hanging off them - they are totally amazing. I was only really annoyed that I had used all my photos the first time round.

That night we found a really nice Spanish Tapas bar and met an Auzzie couple from the dive and had drinks with them toasting Christmas at midnight to some nice cocktails - a pretty good day.

21st - 22nd Dec - Cairns

We arrive in Cairns and the hostel is pretty nice - got a pool and everything so things look ok. We went out for dinner and hoped for some entertainment cos Cairns and Queensland are supposed to be the places to go. The Hostel gave us vouchers for a local pub so after dinner we headed to the Woolshed. It was 12 dollars to get in but you get 6 drinks for that - none to bad. It looked OK when we arrived and pretty busy but then all the tacky sleasy competitions started - you know the club 18-30 type - wet tee-shirt compititions - we couldn't even make a hasty farewell as we has 6 drinks to down - well we weren't leaving them.

Next day we organised a trip to Karunda. You get there by the longest cable car in the world. It stretches for 7km over the rain forest tree tops and is quite spectacular. Karunda the wee village at the end, nestled in the forrest, is quite pretty but not much to do in the rain. We took a train back which was built by early settlers and still uses some of the original carriages and equipment.

That night we headed back out in Cairns determined to find a decent pub. Our search, which was extensive, was fruitless. Each pub was more tacky than the last and full of young things so desperate to be noticed they'd do almost anything. In one pub Gulligans, our hopes were raised only to be dashed. The bar decor was lovely and the clientel seemed ok until one guy was following me shouting hello - monkey. I scowled at him - in my best scowl - and ignored him - until he came right up and introduced himself. I had met him in New Zealand in Nelson - he had a toy monkey with him which made more sense that night than he did.

To call Cairns the cesspit of Australia is giving it airs and graces it don't have. Don't go there ever unless you like tacky sleasy club 18-30 type places - then do go there and leave the rest of Australia nice.

18 - 19th Dec - Last Days in Sydney

Our last couple of days were spent doing stuff with Mark, Jackie and lovely Alice - I think I'll have to frisk Pauline again on leaving.

We all dressed up (looked fine if I do say so) and went out for drinks and dinner. The Shangri La Hotel has a cocktail bar on the 40th floor with great views over the Harbour - eventually getting great views after playing musical seats with people leaving - don't think the waiting staff were too impressed.

We had dinner on the Rocks (the Rocks is a really old area of Sydney with original Colonial buildings which are being lovingly restored) in a micro brewery. The restaurant up stairs was great and served really fantastic food. We had a few drinks downstairs before the mad rush for the local bus home, which gave us a chance to see other parts of the city, Pauline and I have been a bit Harbour centric.

On our last day we went to the Observation Tower with Alice to watch her face pressed against the window - Oh that was Marks face pressed against the windows. No matter how many observation towers I go up I always love the view from on high - a position I should really hold.

Our last night was spent with our family soaking up the familiar atmosphere before the next leg of our journed in the big bad world.

17th Dec - Manly - the beach only

Hoping for warmer weather we ventured out to Sydneys other famous beach Manly. It was a really nice day, how I expected Sydney to be, hot, very hot. This beach is a local favourite and much nice than Bondi, not so built up. Being sensible and hungry we went out of the midday sun (or maybe not all of it as here it's really between 11 - 4) and wandered around the shops looking for a few bargains. It makes you realise how expensive Britain really is.

At night Pauline and I ventured back out to Balmain without the protection of Mark. There were plenty of pubs to choose from all full with office Christmas Parties. It was really strange not being part of one this year. We played the who's the worst dancer in the room competition but had to give up cos there were just so many candidates. Old men really shouldn't be let loose, letching over the young things in their offices - it's not big and it's not clever.

We ended up in a bar with a live Jazz band playing and soon were being hit on by the local wierdos. Shane (could he be called anything else) seemed normal at first but wasn't. He did take a joke well, and didn't seem to mind us calling him the most repugnant human being that's ever walked the earth. At least he wasn't as scary as the Russian bloke who just stared then said 'hello' - time for a quick exit.

At least one part of our day was truly Manly.

16th Dec - Sydney Opera House

During the day we took the boat up to Watson Bay for lunch and sunbathing. We had seen a bunch of cafes there and thought it would be nice. Unfortunately the cafes turned out to be one - Doyles Fish place and the choices were the fast food place or the expensive place. We choose the fast food and it was OK but nothing to brag about.

Mark reserved tickets for Handels Messiah playing in the Concert Hall of the Opera House - I told Pauline it was a really good, famous Australian boy band so she would go - she fell for it hook., line and sinker!

We met Mark, Ian and Dino another ex-Wosw person (this must be one of the biggest gatherings of Ex-Wosw people ever) to a few pre-concert drinks. Inside the Opera House isn't a patch on the outside, really concrete and very 70's.

The Concert Hall it's self is quite impressive and was full for the concert. The playing started, the singing started and it was really great. At half time Pauline and I both admitted to having a wee chuckle at the male soprano who sang way to high for a bloke, until we saw his photo in the program - he was hot - going way up in our opinion - I'm sure it will mean so much to him - us being such clasical music critics.

After, while slipping cocktails on the patio of the Opera House Bar, we exhange our favourite bits, Halelluliah ofcourse was up there but the firm winner was the 'We all like sheep' line.

15th Dec - Bridge Climb and Bondi

The walk up the hill to the entrance to the bridge climb ended up the hardest part of the day for me. Once paid up we were kitted out and they really left nothing to chance. Everything had to be clipped onto you, the handkerchief, the baseball cap, my hair band, sunglasses they would be closed down if you dropped anything over the cars and trains below.

The actual climb was really easy, the best bit was at the start and finish when you climb ladders and emerge between train lines - I got a real fright when a train came past. I waved at the passengers - nobody waved back. The pace was really slow to give us really good opertunities to see (though not photo - no cameras allowed) the Harbour and the Opera House. No matter how many times I saw it, it is still amazing. We got a tacky certificate to say we did it - ovbiously will be framed and put on my wall beside the sky diving one.

Pauline and Mark (crazy people) went for a run around the botanic gardens - I had lunch. Then we took the bus with all the other British tourists (the bus was full of us) to the famous Bondi Beach. We had been told it was a bit of a dump, and is much more built up than you ever see on TV, but isn't really that bad. We stripped off to our bikinkis and lay down and while the sun was out it was really nice, as soon as the sun went behind a cloud it was freezing, made all the colder by the cold air coming off the Pacific Ocean. I ended up with all my clothes on, sarong wrapped around me with goose bumps all over. Pauline, made of stronger stuff, braved the cold in her persuit of 'The Tan'.

We stayed in for dinner with Jackie Mark and Alice, she used to us now - at least she doesn't cry when she see us like many a poor child. It's really nice being part of a family again, feeling like a real person.

14th Dec - Blue Mountains

The bus picked us up outside a swanky hotel (obviously we weren't staying there) for our adventure to the blue mountains. Our first stop was at an animal park full to the brim with indiginous wild life. Pauline and I were thrilled that we got to stroke a Koala, bit disappointed cos Jackie has actually held one - but you can't have everything - even if you want it. In one area you were able to feed the Kangeroos and give them a wee pat. I payed my 50 cents for a cup of their food and held it out to a wee joey who grabbed it from my hand. All the others were politely nibbling from the cups I obviously got the bad boy - story of my life. I did get to pat a few which were really cute - they were only babies and much nicer than the dead one we saw on the road to Apollo Bay.

There were other native animals in the park the ugly wambats, the wierd Tasmanian Devils and the lovely dingos who were getting suntan cream and insect repellant put on them by one of the wardens - wee pets lambs. A white peacock, rare in itself, had it's tail feathers spread in the most beautiful display.

Our first views of the blue mountains were from a view point, it's really strange you can't see them from the bus cos you are surrounded by thick forrest. The view point was really high up the mountains so we were looking down the valleys. The blue colour is a trick of the light really, the eucalyptus trees excrete a fine mist which in sunlight looks blue.

After lunch we went to a disused mine to take the steepest railway in the world down the side of the mountain and a cable car back up. It was quite scary when it first goes over the edge, we were grateful of the barriers to keep us in.

Wodden walkways allow you to wander throught the rain forrest and see close up the massive trees and wierd and wonderful plants, unfortunately the native fauna were a bit more shy keeping hidden in the tangle of plants.

12th - 13th Dec - Sydney

Mark (Lloyd of Ex West of Scotland Water fame) met us at the airport with the most lovely wee girl who he says is his (likely story - she is gorgeous). Mark and his lovely better half Jackie had kindly (stupidly you might think) agreed to put Pauline and I up in their flat in Balmain East. The flat is near the water with views of Sydney Harbour and the Bridge - really cool. The best mode of transport into town being the local ferries which only take a few minutes but take you within spitting distance of the Opera House (I kept Pauline form actually spitting) so things were set up pretty great.

Our first night Mark took us up to his local pub in Balmain East which was pretty nice so he's got it made over here. Pauline was a bit disturbed as the weather was difinately no better then Melbourne and a storm the day we arrived actually closed the airport for 3 hours - she's a jinks - couldn't be me.

On our first venture across the harbour by boat (neither of us sick) we wandered around Sydney until the heaven opened (frowns from Pauline) so we took refuge in the Aquarium for a few hours looking at the amazing stuff we were going to see at the Great Barrier Reef - or so I hope.

That night we went into Balmain to another pub to meet another ex-WOSW partier Ian, who like Mark also works for Sydney Water (are they stupid or just hard up - Sydney Water that is).